This isn’t about falling in love.. or falling out of love.
It’s not some mystical tale with talking lions or fairies that piss sparkles.
It’s not about a war or a great battle for human rights. It’s not a history lessson or a bedtime story to tell to your children
This is just a pathetic excuse for life.
A week ago, if someone had told me that I would be taking my final steps, that I would be breathing my final breath. I would have laughed.
That’s a lie.
At very best maybe I would have smirked. I can’t remember when I last laughed but I can tell you it’s been more then a week.
It’s not that I haven’t wanted to, believe me I would love to crack a smile, to show the world that I’m happy but I can’t lie to myself like that. I haven’t had a reason to feel joy, not now or yesterday, not a year ago or even five. And now, as I hang my toes over the edge I know that everything that has happened or ever will happen, happens for no reason at all.
Next time you’re standing in line behind the man in the suit with the briefcase, behind the woman who fights with her children, cussing them out under her breath not aware that everyone can hear her. Next time you’re standing in line for that $3.00 cup of coffee, I want you think, to remember a time when you would have enjoyed just as much a cup of water. I want you to remember how when you were little, you chased the butterflies, or stretched out in the grass and imagined animals in the clouds. I want you to know that those times are gone and it doesn’t matter what you do, you can’t bring them back. They are nothing more then memories now, memories being crushed by tabloid magazines, the stock market, fashion billboards and the asshole you waste your life trying to please for a pay cheque you so desperately need, just so you can keep your ridiculously oversised house and drive your Bently. Your Ferrari. You disgust me.
Think about the teenager who holds a gun to the man who owns the gas station. The very same gas station you stop at every morning to fill the tank of your BMW. The very same man who greets you with a smile, who’s happy to take your money because he needs it just to fill his stomach, to feed his children and keep them warm. Now think about the teenager, the way his hands shake, the way his eyes cloud over with tears. His mind, it’s racing. He doesn’t know that in a few moments he will be changing his life forever. Throwing away any chance he may have had to fill someone’s heart, any chance he may have had to fill his own heart. Picture his finger, pulling tighter around the trigger. I want you create the image of the first bullet leaving the end of the barrel, imbeding itself into the face of the old man behind the counter. It creates a hole just below his eye, tearing apart his cheek. Picture the second bullet leaving the barrel because the teenager was so unprepared for the multitude of emotions flooding into his brain. The third bullet becuase he missed the second time, causing the old mans heart to skip, I want you to feel what he felt, I want you to feel the intense fear. Picture him screaming, hear him begging for his life. The teenager wouldn’t know how to stop. He wouldn’t know that the third bullet already lodged in the mans chest was enough, that he would bleed out in less then a couple of minutes. So he fires again, but not before looking into his eyes. Seeing into his soul. This image will last forever in his mind, and I wan’t it to stay with you.
Know that this is the world we live in. It’s not a happy place, a wonderful landscape or a beautiful canvass for art. It’s not a gathering of love or a celebration of bonding. The marriage of a woman and a man, the friends and family hugging and cheering. It’s all lies. The world is a prison filled with trapped souls being forced to experience loss and hate. Death and killings.
We are helpless, yet we think we have some sort of control. A way to fix things. The dog dies so we bury it and buy a new one. The fish goes belly up so we flush it and take a trip to the pet shop. The tire goes flat, so we replace it. It’s just a shame that the tire never goes flat when we’re travelling at 150 mph down the freeway. It’s a shame that it doesn’t pop and slingshot our vehicle into the opposite lane so that we collide with the driver of a semi delivering boxes of Apple computers and cell phones and flat screen TV’s and all the things we think we need.
What happened to us, what happened to this so called society. We’re cultured, civil and evolved. Bullshit. We’re nothing more then wild animals. Beasts. Untamed beings with such an overwhelming capacity for evil. If you can’t accept that, or understand that we are destined to be destructive then I feel sorry for you. You are so misguided, you’ve been lied to for so long that you know not of truth. And this is why I can’t go on. This is why I’m standing on top of this skycraper with my toes over the edge. This world, and the people who populate it, this is why I have nothing more to say or do. I’m going to jump, to say my final goodbyes to this shithole that has done nothing but torture those who were born with any amount of good in them. This world isn’t for me, or for you. This world is for the blood thirtsy, the war hungry, the ones who would like for nothing more then to see it burn and to smell the smoke.
This is just my pathetic excuse for a life coming to an end.